Life is worth the Living....

One certain fact of life is that everybody dies. Every single person will die. But who will really Live?
When i was really young i stumbled on Victorian horror stories. Stories of Self Combustion and people who were dug up years later who had tried to dig themselves out of the coffin...buried alive. I decided then and there cremation was for me. I am not going to die twice. Or if i happen to wake up,it will be a quick second death. In a way our society and culture protect us from the ugliness of old age. We rarely visit a frail care unit. Grandparents don’t live with their children and grandchildren. We don’t want to think about being old, or dying, but secretly i think we do.  Or maybe think is too strong a word in this culture. Maybe fear is a better word. The Fear of dying. Actually its not all bad. As a mother of boys, at least that tiny fear of dying hopefully protected the three from doing overly stupid things....

But lately i wasn’t really thinking about death and dying, but more about Not Living. Missing out on Life. Kind of feeling like i was sitting on the river bank watching all the boats go by, but not getting on one. Just watching. A spectator  in my own life story, not even the main character. Kübler-Ross should really branch out those 5 stages of grief. In my experience there are definitely more than 5 stages. A little recap ....
There is the Denial, sure. Anger, of course. Bargaining, never worked but everyone gives it a try. Depression, because bargaining didn’t work, i presume. Then Acceptance, you cannot change the facts...and then somewhere there comes the Now What ? Stage. Also the Can I? Stage and Coupled to this one is the May I? Stage. Because you wonder why you are still living and need in a way, Permission to carry on. There is the Guilt Stage, usually happens when Joy comes back in small quantities which makes you go back to the Can I and May I? It’s all very confusing and tiring. So I decided to go ahead and Live. I sat myself down and gave Permission to Go and Live my Life. As the main character. In my new story. Not in a selfish way but in a Self-Loving way. I had to get off my spectator’s bench, board that ship, take over the wheel. I have absolutely no clue as to how or what i am doing but i am loving it. I may crash, run out of food or fuel, but when i get there I’ll sort it out.
I am going to Live Life or die trying.

“The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, life in its fullest measure.” Jesus.
Amen!

Bella