November 24, 2014
It grips and takes over. It is impossible to believe God will help me. Impossible to have faith. There is only fear and it grows. It towers over me like huge trees....overshadowing everything else.
When i had malaria in June i also had severe backache...so yesterday i hurt my back by climbing unto my bike in a weird way. :) But, as it got worse i felt fear creep in, ok, more like a riptide flooding in. Was it just backache or something unmentionable?
The thing is, if you suspect you have it, you can only go forward - there is not much else to do! Wait it out and see what it is, take the meds and pray. Believe that even if this is really not nice (huge understatement, of course!) then trust God anyway!
But fear kills all that. It takes up all the space in my head and thoughts, it makes my heart shake with...fear and lots of "what ifs". So much for faith!
Faith cannot live with fear.
Taking up my cross becomes a real thing. Living here for the sake of Jesus' last command and not because i like it here, but because i know He is worth it and He has asked me to be here.
But i need to give Him my fears and panicky thoughts. I need to trust Him Every Day.
I need to TRUST. Fear leaves my paralyzed, while faith and trust sets me free. Free!! Free to live here, free to be here, free of fear. And even if fear comes along without my asking, i know i can come into the Presence of God Himself and say, "Here i am, i am afraid, but i trust You."
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide in the shade of the Almighty. I will say to Jehovah: My Refuge and my Fortress, my God; I will trust in Him. For He delivers you from the fowler's snare, from destruction's plague. With His feathers He will cover you, and under His wings you shall seek refuge; His truth is a shield and buckler. You shall not fear the terror of night, nor of the arrow that flies by day; of the plague that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction laying waste at noonday. A thousand shall fall by your side, and a myriad at your right hand; it shall not come near you. Only with your eyes you shall look, and see the retribution of the wicked. Because You, O Jehovah, are My refuge; You make the Most High Your habitation, no evil shall happen to You, nor shall any plague come near Your tent. For He shall give His angels charge over You, to keep You in all Your ways. They shall bear You up in their hands, that You not dash Your foot on a stone. You shall tread on the lion and adder; the young lion and the serpent You shall trample under foot. Because He has set His love on Me, therefore I will deliver Him; I will set Him on high because He has known My name. He shall call on Me and I will answer Him; I will be with Him in distress; I will rescue Him and honor Him. I will satisfy him with length of days, and will make Him see My salvation.