Coffee along the way

Coffee along the way
Coffee along the way

September 18, 2011

A Spring in my step

This time of the year is indeed very bleak!  In other parts it is Spring - flowers and blooms everywhere, the sweet smell of rain, soft green grass.  Other parts have the beautiful autumn trees - yellows, reds, golds.....but here we have burnt down fields.  Black is the colour of the day!  Dust, and more dust! A dry and cracked earth.  Definitely not beautiful or inspiring!

We were on our way to town yesterday and suddenldy i saw a tree blooming with beautiful white blossoms!  Then another with purple flowers!  Granted - very lonesome trees, but nonetheless trees with flowers!!  And then in the grass beside the road...... more purple little bell-like blooms, tiny pink ones, tiny but beautiful....

And is this not how life goes?  We look out for the big things, but miss the little ones?  The big ugly picture overwhelmes, but in the small we are not comforted?  God is at work!  He is not in the thunder, or the whirlwind or the storm, but He is in the whisper.  He is there, He is.  Open my eyes to see You in this seemingy God-forsaken place!  And thank You for the small purple flowers along my way.

bella

September 16, 2011

Panic Attack.....

“We believe You are all to us” sings Chris Tomlin and I think – do we really believe that?  What do I do when a crisis arises?  I can tell you, because I just had one this morning……

Our kids had been sick – a really bad ‘flu that quickly went to bronchitis.  Getting up at night, not sleeping well for more than a week and then getting sick myself, has not helped my emotions a bit!  And so after deliberating this way and that, I finally put them all on anti-biotics and could see the improvement the next day!  Well, at least I made the right decision there…. or did i?

This morning I was having my quiet time when one of the boys came in and showed me a rash on his fingers…..strange, I thought.  He had gone outside for a minute and played a bit with the dogs, so I thought it was probably that.  I washed his hands and it looked better.  But while I was helping him, everything inside me was screaming in panic!  Was it the medicines?  Should I give him more of it?  What do I do if he worsens?
The next minute, the rash is on his feet, elbows, nose……not bad, just little red pinpricks……and I panic more.  I pray, I phone a friend who is a doctor.  He suggested I go on with the meds, as bronchitis was worse than little pinpricks……

I just couldn’t bring myself to give him the anti-biotics, but felt it was the right thing to do, so my poor husband had to actually give it to him.  I couldn’t even watch!  Jesus!  We are calling out to You!  On the outside I was calmly wiping down the table, scooping up the termite mud, taking out something to make for lunch, while inside hysteria was growing wild….and then I heard this song - “We believe You are all to us” and the next one – You are faithful.  Yes, He is.

Just yesterday I was re-reading a book my Max Lucado – Fearless – Yes, I know, it’s dangerous to read books like that, because a test is sure to follow!!  :)  And so, I think I failed my test this morning!  In any case, somewhere in the beginning chapters it says that “Hysteria is not from God.  For God has not given us a spirit of fear.” (p13)  And also “Fear corrodes our confidence in God’s goodness.” 

How do I live in balance?  For me being in the middle was never an option!  If I’m up I’m up, if I’m down, I’m down!  I have opinions and do not sit on any fence!  If I panic, I totally panic, if I distance myself from a problem, person or crisis, then I’m distanced!  How do I find a balance?  Trusting God, following common sense (given, by the way, by God) doing what I know is right and not folding because of fear. 

Somedays. I’m glad I live in this forsaken place.  This is where I learn to trust 1000% on God – and for everything!  From bread on my table to healing the sick!  What a school!  But on other days, I am just so tired, it is as if there is no calm place for me.  But in saying all of this, The Lord is showing me He is the calm place.  Give the medicine and Trust Me.   Get out of bed and Trust Me.  Breath and Trust Me.  Live your life for Me and Trust Me.  I am Faithful, Awesome in power, Stronger than any other.

I guess, I would like to see more of God’s miracles as I face many trials and crisis, but most happen in me.  I am not here firstly for the people who do not know Him, this is the best place for me to be in.  Hard, but good.  And only in acceptance of this can i come to a place a perfect Peace.

bella, following Yeshua
   
 I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember, You are faithful God, forever
Let faith arise. Open my eyes, Let faith arise!         (Chris Tomlin, Let faith arise)

September 07, 2011

Having eyes but being blind......

scary bridges......

Fear is a thick mist - so dense i can hardly see the ground in front of me.  Fear makes me stumble along, rather than walk with my head held high.  Fear makes me sit down somewhere, refusing to move.....fear.

I have lately been thinking about the things that make me fearful and it was quite interesting, if not actually very sad...here are a few examples....

I really like caring for sick people, but the thought of just that scares me terribly!  The gift the Lord gave me, the background i have, the courses i go on - all help me do what i need to do out here, but still it is a source of great fear for me - the thing i love most has become the thing i fear most!

I always wanted to get into a Land Drover (Yeah, i know!) and drive deep into Africa!  Now i live here and i am fearful because i am so deep in Africa!  What would i do if something happens along the way?

I love being a mom and homeschooling my boys - but in the same breath i am fearful that i will actually ruin them in the process!  The gifts i have in homeschooling - thinking on my feet, loving to teach - counts for nothing in the end, because fear rules.....

"Is it safe" has become more important to me than anything else!  I don't want to go places, i don't want to eat strange things, i don't want to........Is it safe?

This weekend we were camping at the Lake and two crazy guys jumped off a cliff into the water from a height of at least 14m!  It was definitely not safe, but i'm sure they didn't ask "Is it safe?"!  haha!!  Never!  But it got me thinking.....why, why do i have all these feelings of fear?

Well, the answer is probably very clear, but having eyes doesn't mean you can see!  But slowly, i think, i am starting to "see"......the enemy has taken all that is dear to me, all that is good of me, all that are gifts from God and turned it into things i do not enjoy, but fear.  He has used me against myself!  And how convenient - who needs enemies??

I want to see the beauty again, i want to experience You using me as i am, as You made me, i want to jump off my own cliffs and trust You completely!  I want to have Your joy in my life, so please help me in this!

bella, hopeful.