Days....

I used to love Days... Birthdays, Christmas day, Easter Sunday, Monday, Saturday...all Days really. I love going all out. Love making Days special. Loved Days.
Lately i am not so sure. Actually, i am sure. I do not like Days anymore. I don’t even like the days leading up to the Days. Days remind me of what was - the good old days, i guess. Not that everything was perfect then, but still. I am Reminded.

First days are obviously the worst. I have been ticking them off one by one, but there seems to be a new one popping up on the horizon that I didn’t think about. So many First Days. I keep thinking, “if i can only get through the April Days, the May Days”, and now we are in June days. And still there are Days ahead. I will never not have Those Days. Like today. Father’s Day. For as long as i live, i will be reminded of an empty Father’s day. The world will remind me year after year - there is no escaping this Day and the memories that it evokes. And if i am honest, i worry more about my boys than about myself.

As i sit on my bed writing these words, the sun comes up and shines right in my face. Brilliant sunshine, flooding my room. Golden beams framing my face. And the Lord reminds me of Lamentations 3
“I have been so deprived of peace, I have so forgotten what happiness is, that I think, “My strength is gone, and so is my hope in ADONAI.” Remember my utter misery, the wormwood and the gall. They are always on my mind; this is why I am so depressed. But in my mind I keep returning to something, something that gives me hope — that the grace of ADONAI is not exhausted, that his compassion has not ended. [On the contrary,] they are new every morning! How great your faithfulness! “ ADONAI is all I have,” I say; “therefore I will put my hope in him.”
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And the sun breaks through into my dark heart and i smile. I can Hope in a Father who will never leave us. Who will use all the gall and the wormwood and turn it into something quite beautiful. In all four of our lives. And He is already doing that.
As the sun moves over the roof and only the Light remains, i am also reminded that there is a time for everything. And i pray that we can enter a Time to Laugh and a Time to Dance.

Hope sparks something new on this first of a father’s day and I might even start liking Days one day again.

Bella