Coffee along the way

Coffee along the way
Coffee along the way

October 26, 2012

To Sing Again

On Sunday as I was sitting in church realizing this is the last time we will be in a church for a long time and I really had to fight back the tears……
Saying goodbye (not one of my favourite words) I just wanted to burst into tears – will I see you again?  I felt like crying……

My dad tripped over someone’s “ornamental” palisades and gashed his calf – 6 stitches later I heard about it and wanted to break down…… 
My husband hurt his back and needs to stay in bed, our trip postponed going home and now we need someone to travel with us, just in case…..ok, this time I did cry my heart out, and the tears flowed freely if I received any sympathetic look!   I am tired of having to be strong, fighting back the tears, not letting it go. 

I am not strong or very brave!  I miss family and friends with a deep ache.  I rarely cry in front of them, not because I’m strong, but because I want to spare them.  Although  I must admit, I don’t think I can hold it in much longer……I am not falling apart, I guess I want you to see the real me.  This “me” that is not strong or very brave – just an ordinary person, like you who has fears and dreams, hopes and heartaches.  Someone who goes through times of sadness, times of saying goodbye, times of wanting a bit more understanding and care. But to be fair I must say “an ordinary person serving an Extraordinary God”.  Really, without falling back on clich├ęs, He is my Rock.  Even if people do not understand, He does.  He can handle my tears!  And I think I just would like to cry a lot right now!!  J

I love Ps 63 and it sums up what I feel.  A soul longing for God in a dry and weary land.  A soul satisfied by 
God and the best part: “Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings.” 

Singing to me is the opposite of crying. And I have done a lot of crying and not much singing lately!  And so once again I run to You, hide me under Your wings, dry my tears, satisfy my soul and help me sing again.

Bella, in the shadow of His wings.

October 08, 2012

Seasons and colours....

I have always thought about myself as a black/white person, no grey for me thank you very much!  (although being black or white does get one into trouble at times!)  But recently i had to admit firstly to myself and then obviously also to the world that i am actually grey - and i mean this in a very literal way!  haha Yes, grey hair galore! 

A while back i wrote something on What Defines a person, well in the mean time i have found out the hard way how the world defines me - having grey hair and actually showing it has been, shall we say ..... interesting?  From "Wow, you are so ...... GREY!" ( i would have preffered something like Happy!) to in denial...haha, to "Oh, so this is how you now look" and worst of all "I would not have recognized you!"  So much for discreetness!  ( i have been away for 2 years, but really!)

The synonym list says this about grey - old, dreary, ancient, depressing!!!  And i want to say very loudly I am not one of those!!

In any case, i think the lesson here is not so much what others think, but what do i think/feel?  Of course, even i, the missionary, want to look nice and stay young for ever and all that, but when facing facts (which at the best of times really is overwhelmingly in favour of all people aging!) then i think it's time i face the facts!  I have this genetic flaw that made me grey at 33!  Add a very sensitive skin and what you see is what i am - grey!  ( i do save a small fortune on not buying hair dye now!!)

But coming back to what i think/ i feel comfortable in my skin? Do i feel comfortable about the colour of my hair?  Can i reach a point where i am totally free to be me?  Does my hair colour really define me?  And if it does then i have to say.....that is really, really sad.  Of course there is the factor where every "she" goes through where you have to work through acceptance, but as i wrote before "In Acceptance there is Peace!"  And i guess that is where i aim to be - accepting me.  Feeling comfortable with me as i am.

The thing that makes it difficult, is to accept that in most of the world's eyes, i am now not really worth much.  I see this as a decline of society, where older people, even if you are not that old, but look it a bit more (!!) you have not much to give.  Well, so be it then.  They are the ones missing out!  In the Bible grey is seen as a symbol of wisdom and i think i'll rather go with that than the written-off view!  And i thank God for my dear husband who loves me just the way i am and not to mention God's view of me, His precious child, albeit with grey hair!  :)

And so, i guess i want to say "Sorry if you miss me on the street, or if you are shocked at my greyness BUT Viva Life!" 

Bella, grey and almost happy about it!  :)