The last couple of months have been especially tough out here…malaria, car accident and subsequent court case, bees moving into our veranda and water tank a few times, sicknesses, seeing really sick and severely burnt villagers, etc, etc…and I was losing focus and I mean big time!
Looking at lukewarm believers back home that seems to have every luxury, nice holidays, not doing anything for God but still going to heaven did not help my gloomy thoughts! Why was God not helping more? Was it worth continuing living like a human target for the enemy? Feeling like the Life of Victory was really a very nice ideal but not very practical. I mean, I know God helps us through everyday life, but I was thinking it is still my hands that need to do the work, it is still my husband’s hands (and feet!) who needs to dig up the “septic”, septic tank and muck it all out! Not one good thought was coming from my heart!
And it is not only us – many of our friends and colleagues here on the battlefield are going through some serious stresses – one good friend had to have brain surgery, others’ cars broke down at very critical times, some continuously struggle with health issues, others with breaks of trust working alongside nationals, etc, etc! What to think about all of this?
So, this morning when my dear husband asked me what I was thinking about Life and The Rest, it all came out…everything I was cropping up inside me –all the seemingly unfairness of giving up so much and not seeing much help, my longing of being exempt of all this stupid stuff happening, I finally realized that my perspective was all gone. Totally gone. I want to see more of God in daily life, translating that He needed to sort out everything for me. He patiently listened and gave some much needed insight – Jesus Himself said that He is sending us like sheep in to a wolf world, that we should Greatly Rejoice if all kinds of trials come over our paths, that our faith needs to grow stronger and stronger – like gold purified by Fire. We prayed together and then I really “saw” what he meant.
I saw Jesus on the Cross and I thought “What would be my response to Him right now when He says Go out to the whole world?” Would I NOT go? Of course not, I would RUN to the lost! He gave so much, this little bit I am giving, is nothing! I love Him and will do anything for Him! It kind of reminded me of some friendships I have – I give so much to this relationship, but get very little in return, the friendship is very one-sided, if I didn’t give, then there would actually be nothing. A selfish “What Can You Give Me” kind of friendship.
And I guess, I have finally given up on this friendship – still friendly and helpful but not expecting anything anymore. Was this how I was thinking about my relationship with God? That I was giving everything and not getting anything in return? And was I at the point of losing my grip on Him? The roles reversed and I saw that I was the one holding back – I was waiting to get something without giving much myself! I wanted God to swoop in and clean up all the mess without lifting a finger - just like a self-centered person who only takes from you without being there for you at all, not giving themselves at all. Well, this changed everything. I am so glad God didn’t give up on me.
The helmet of Truth is really needed every second of the day. As is, the rest of the body armour. The battle is mainly fought in the mind, isn’t it? In any case, I’m on track again. And thankful. And ready to face the day whatever happens knowing Jesus is right beside me. And I love Him and He loves me. And as the song says – “May I be singing when the evening comes”.
Bella, humbled and grateful.
“Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh my soul,
Worship His Holy Name
Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh my soul
Sing like never before, oh my soul
I’ll worship His holy Name!” Matt Redman 10 000 Reasons