Themes

When I look back over this past year I see a recurrent theme. It might have been carried over from the previous year and it kind of mixes in with a few other smaller themes, but all related. It was all about Control. Or rather, The Loss of Control and me perplexed. Perplexed because us humans like to control things by doing stuff...

The most obvious one is this slow death of motor neurons we live with each day. There is definitely no controlling it. Nothing at all you can do. You don’t know where it will strike next, you don’t know how it will affect you. You take one day at a time and try and manage the devastation. I say “try and manage” because really, even making plans, researching pages and pages or trying people’s advice rarely helps. No Control. Nothing I can do.

We bought a house - cash by God’s grace! The owner and estate agent made their own devilish deals and we still have no title deed....1 year 3 months and 4 attorneys later. No deed. Nothing I do helps. I phone, I email, send numerous sms’s and WhatsApp’s, meet with attorneys, phone them, get A to write letters to boards (with his eyes, nonetheless!)...still nothing. Once again, No Control. Nothing I can do.

My re-registration is a joke. The Health Care Profession people are on strike. Yip. So much for that. No Control. Nothing I can do.

And the list goes on. And I start to stumble and waver in my faith in a God who should Help, who should Rescue and who should thunder from the clouds - in my version of life. It seems like people are winning. Getting their way. It looks like God is powerless or worse, does not care to help me. And the spiral continues downwards...I start thinking I am not worthy, I am a nobody, I am not loved, etc, etc. Mayday, Mayday....I am going down. I need help! Where is God?

It seems immature if you flesh it out black on white...

1. A (big) problem comes up that you cannot solve yourself, even though you try, 

2. God does not come to your aid as you either think He should or in a time frame of your choice, 

3. You start to doubt God, yourself or a combination and 

4. You spiral down, even corrupting other’s faith as you complain and rant...

Like I said, it seems immature, but yet I do it. I might stand tall in the beginning, but as time goes by and nothing (from my perspective) changes I start to crumble. The Big Problem wears me down. I might think I am a rock but it turns out this rock is made from icing sugar.

I read an article the other that said we should be very careful to portray the characters in the Bible as heroes...like in a Sunday school class. God is the Hero of the Bible. People failed every single time. Look at the Father of Faith, Abraham and his wife, Sarah. God promised a child to a childless old couple. They believed, but after a couple of years and not getting any younger Sarah made her own plan and Abraham complied...a child was conceived but from the wrong mother. Not God’s promised one. Time had worn Sarah and Abraham down and they made their own plans, stepped in themselves and caused more problems in the end.

Does God change because I have a huge Problem, or even a dozen of them? Does God change because He does not react as I planned it out in my little head? Does God change because my time frame is not His time frame? No, of course not. He stays the same. He is still All Powerful and In Charge. He still loves dearly. What then,  is going on? This year has been the Year of my very own Mission Impossible - humanly speaking of course. And still there are no answers...

Ah, of course. The Testing of My Faith. As soon as God’s character traits are being challenged my me,I know without a doubt that God is testing my faith. What do I believe about Him? Or rather - What are my “misbeliefs”? And right there the sun breaks through and I see. This year of No Control has one sole (or is it soul?) purpose. To test my faith. And it sure is being tested. In my mind I always think what a great testimony it will be to others  if God comes through in an amazing way immediately, of course! God will look so good. Others will put their trust in a Him, won’t they? But it is not about others. It is about me and my faith. Do I trust God no matter what happens? Do I choose to believe He is on my side even if it looks like He is not? Do I keep on believing as we leave this year behind and the next starts pretty much on the next level of the same? 

Yes, I do. I relent “my” Control. And I change my fervent prayers from “Please Do this or that.” To ....Thy will be done. And peace descends. 

Bella, hopeful that next year will have a happy, trusting, believing theme!