Taking small steps...

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Some days life is just a bit too much to handle. And mostly it is the little things that take me down. Kind of like a person running through a burning house - with some protection against the smoke and flames- but then she trips on a toy and smashes face down....a small toy is all it takes.

This is me. The big things are mainly under control - or at least i think they are! I do ponder on those more and i guess this makes me more prepared but then something as insignificant as a wastepaper basket or the “emergency medicine box” thrust into my ungrateful hands, has me flat on my face inhaling smoke and burning in the flames..

Yesterday was one of those. I was happily sitting on the bookstore floor helping my middle son spend his book prize money and was planning to buy some flower seedlings to plant out after we found the perfect book....well, everything fell apart as i got home and had to face the so called “Emergency Medicine box”. Not aptly named at all.
I was told how to use them. This little trip-me-upper was a bit bigger but still small in comparison with the rest. Anyway i literally closed the cupboard door on That one.

The waste paper basket was another; actually it was more like a symbol of all the losses...
I had one under my desk but had to give it up as paper tissues are accumulating as the illness progresses..and of all things lost, I fixated on this insignificant little dustbin. Sometimes it is easier to cry about the small things. So, here i was, not crying about the fact that i had to move our bed out of our room; replaced by a hospital and single bed, not crying about the fact that all communication is now via computer voice (typed by eyes), not crying about arms that want to, but cannot give hugs anymore, not crying about me doing everything for my dearest -no tears about these things. But tears flowing because i have no dustbin under my desk. Seriously? Yes, seriously.

So, i did the next best thing and bought, not one, but two new waste paper baskets. Just in case. Why? Because it is the only thing i can fix right now. And thus i “fix life” by planting flowers, hanging fairy lights to hide the real tears, because this is what surviving looks like right now.

And isn’t that Life in any case? We fix what we can and trust God to help us as we fix and help us where we cannot fix. Either way trusting our Father who loves us GREATLY, is all there is to do.

Bella, fixer of small things