Shalom needed!

Today was a day that started as a resolve. Sounds good, but really wasn't at all. My resolve was to try my best to pretend we were just a very normal family on a very normal Saturday. I cooked breakfast, we sat at the new porch table - complete with tablecloth and flowers - but conversation was limited, and so we ate our good food in mostly silence. I tried a few topics. Nothing. I laid out the Plan for The Day - We were going to invite a friend over, bake some Christmas cookies, watch a movie, work on our Christmas table cloth, etc, etc. All very good ideas. Nobody cheering. I lost it. Cried. Wanted to hit my head on a wall.

The friend didn't or couldn't come. I baked the cookies by myself. The movie was a small hit - Indiana Jones, but only I found it funny and laughed out loud. The tablecloth was a mini success.
So much for my resolve. Resolve unravelled right then and there.

How does one life with this? In a movie things always look so idyllic - magical moments with loved ones. No fuss. No tears really. In Real Life there are sullen faces that have lost their smiles, broken hearts in a million pieces scattered in the mud. Dull days filled with pain. Fear is a real thing.

How do we find a balance in living this? On the one hand we have so much terrible. On the other hand we have so much to be thankful for. Resolve, or more like stubbornness is not enough. A good dose of Realistic needs to be mixed in as well as Normal. Acceptance plays a huge role. Thankfulness.

The root for me lies in that i am so anxious about everyone. But then I read, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6-7‬ ‭

Honestly, most days i look fine on the outside, meanwhile on the inside i am freaking out. I need that Shalom that transcends ALL understanding. That Shalom that guards my heart and mind as i freak out about my husband, my boys, myself. That Angst that is there every waking moment and even in my dreams....

Does this mean i won't have any more bright ideas and grandiose plans? Definitely not. But it does mean that if it does not pan out as i thought i should take a breath and ......
Pray
Petition
Give Thanks to God
Present my requests to Him
And await His all surpassing Shalom to guard my anxious heart and mind.

I so desperately want to fix this. This is who i am - a fixer - but I cannot. I need to accept that too. My role is to keep praying, keep on trying for everyone's sake. But in order to do that, and above all to BE that, i need God's Shalom for this fast beating anxious ❤️. I cannot think of anything better to ask for than this Shalom that transcends all understanding.

Bella, breathing in God's peace.

Shalom....complete, perfect, whole.