Keys...

 

My one son is going on a wonderful Mini adventure. The adventure itself is huge but he is going in a 40 year old Mini! Over mountains, snow, down the escarpment all the way to the Lowveld. Epic. He is clearly my child. 

We have had many long road trips with a roof rack packed sky high and so, as it is quite normal to load stuff on the roof rack, that is what he was doing and even a Mini should have one. As he was loading the metal crate unto the roof i began searching for the keys to the many padlocks we have. Many, many padlocks for travels in Africa. We had a bunch of keys for all of them.

I could not for the life of me remember what i did with that bunch of keys - we haven’t needed them in 4 years! After searching in all the normal places, exasperated i stared at The Forbidden Drawers. Drawers i do not poke around in. At least not willingly, and yet here i was opening them up. Pens held by his hand. Little screwdrivers he used to fix small things. Cards, an old checkbook. Little big reminders. I banged the Drawer shut. No way. I am buying new locks - much less painful.....

But it was too late and as i searched for those keys to locks, my heart broke open without even needing a key. It is just too damn hard. All the pain just oozed out, because that is what old pain does. It oozes. It’s not like in the beginning of loss where it Gushes. And you also don’t mind the gushing, in fact at times you wish everything would just gush out of you and finish you off. But this oozing is something else. It’s silent and not as visible. A deep, deep pain. 

Most days i am fine, but this caught me unawares. It just hurts so bad. But i have a plan. I am going to sit somewhere quietly and let it ooze. Drink a coffee. Remember all the awesome times we had. Smile a small smile. Take a breath, sip that coffee, breathe out. Let God’s love wash over the messy oozy stuff. Heal a bit more. Giving my heartache over once again into Loving Hands. And on a better day day, tackle those drawers. Let healing in. 

Bella, 

ps we found the keys.