Gain....

 

(Roald Dahl)

Today 4 years ago we got on a plane and looked down on our beloved Mozambique for the last time...only 4 years ago. 4 years of extreme hardships on so many levels. 4 years of suffering. But, yet, here i stand, well mostly. Sometimes i lie down and cry. But i am still here. Still alive. 

It is also coming up to nearly two years...two years. How is this possible? How did i survive these last two years?  How do i keep on surviving? I have lost a lot, no understatement there. But, oh, i have gained so much as well. 

Not material things really. I actually lost my job end of June. Haha - i can finally take that sabbatical albeit a bit of a forced one. (Maybe that was the only way God could get me to take time off?) I have my suspicions that i would have carried on until i cracked...well, luckily my time has been freed up now - i am working on paths to more healing, for rest, for getting my head and heart ready for the next phase/chapter or even book! But back to my gain...my utmost gain is that God has become my best Friend. The One who never leaves me. Who always listens, helps, shows the way. In humbleness i say... What an awesome privilege to have this relationship with my Father, Friend and Confidant. 

I have gained insight into seemingly meaningless suffering. I have seen God’s provision and care for me and my family. I have seen His blessings despite the pain - i can still laugh and smile. I have gained insight into Life. Life that is short. Does your life count? i ask myself frequently. What dreams has God placed in my heart? Do i let life slip by or do i go out and grab it by the horns? Wrestle it down and get all dusty and sweaty, might even bleed a bit. Do i Live? Yes, that i have gained. I have seen death and it has made me want to live. I want to live my life for God. That is what i have gained. The enemy wants me down. The enemy wants me to believe i am too scarred, too pained, too ruined after everything, and he is partially right. For i am scarred, ruined and pained, but it has taken away my fear of living a normal, stable, comfortable life. I have gained adventures with God! 

Yes, I have lost a lot, but i have gained even more.

Bella, drying the tears and getting up again