To Dream or not to dream....

I would like to call myself a dreamer or a visionary, if you like, but the fact is that i am actually a subdued dreamer. Or a Former Dreamer. I still have a fresh barrel of ideas every day but just as i start thinking about them i stop. What is the point? I press them down, go make coffee and forget about A Life.
When you are young you stand in front of a clean canvas and as you get older, the white space fills up. Some dreams are all colour and happy faces. Some things can be marked with a tick or circled or exclamation marks could be added. Others are scratched out either with a neat thin line through it or totally blotted out by an ugly black scribble..

Lately when i look at my life and this imaginary vision board, it looks quite uninspiring. Its easy to dream when you are young. Anything seems possible. Reach for the stars, they say. Studying something you love, finding a soul mate, having kids, a house, etc. All good. Making a difference in this world. Or wanting to try.

And as we neared our 30’s God entered the picture and dreams were extrapolated! A whole new area opened up for us. God gave a New dream, so big He could only give us a tiny peak at a time. But He sustained us through it. He also took it away after it was finished. He took my soul mate up to heaven. I lost my husband, my house, a family life, our vision and purpose all together. And my question is Now what?

On my canvas this dream still had potential. It ended so suddenly. Completed to a degree, yes. But still. There could have been more. Or so i think.

Now, i am back as a “normal” person. Work, house, car, insurance. Get up and go to work, come home play with dogs, buy food, cook, eat, sleep. Repeat. Is this it?

Are my dreams over now? My purpose? Was my purpose to support my husband in reaching the lost, support him as he got sick, carry the family through it all. And now that its over, do i still have a purpose? Except of course to help my kids reach their goals, cook the food and clean the house? A reversed Cinderella.

I have not lost my faith in God, or think He doesn’t know best. I am just at a puzzled stage. I wonder if Joseph wrote anything down during his ordeal as a slave or the years he spent in prison. He was a dreamer once too. I can’t seem to see the Way forward. I cannot dream anymore. It reminds me of a hiking trail we once did. The whole weekend was misty. In fact we could only see a few meters in front of us during the entire time. I am sure there were beautiful vistas and valleys, but we saw none of that. That is how i feel. I can only see a bit in front and it doesn’t inspire me to be excited. But i keep walking. I keep Hoping. Like Joseph. But I don’t dream yet.

Bella