Changing my mindset....

I was contemplating dying this morning - in the most positive sense - as I scrolled through my banking app. If i did die - had to be natural though - my kids would have enough money to study, or maybe buy a (small) house again or survive this fairly big crisis and or may have a little to live on. And I say this not because i am depressed or wanting to die, but as a nice little solution. Problem is, killing myself will not help my cause and it seems that God still wants me here on this cursed earth. But, in saying that, i also suddenly had this thought of how small my faith actually is. That i am contemplating death. For money. Sad and small faith.

So what if we lose the house? So what if i have to take out a student loan. So what if we ... is that what is important? Important enough to die for? Do i have such set ideas that i am thinking about dying to solve them? Are my expectations as a believer to have no setbacks or troubles? And of course think that only i can solve these growing troubles?

Isaiah 43 comes to mind “ Do not fear for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name. You are Mine.” Very comforting words...but then followed by not IF but “When you go through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour”

Waters. Rivers. Actually raging rivers and deep waters. Fire. In fire. Not a fire or a river blocking the path, nope. Being in the midst of it. And why would God say that if we could only expect easy on earth? Then He could have stopped at “You are Mine, you are fine”  Nothing bad will happen.
No. Bad does happen. And then what happens to faith? But He will be there. Helping me, growing me, forming me.

I don't have to despair when nothing goes right. I am His. He has me. And He is always with me. I will have to go through waters and fires and rivers, but its ok. He is there too. I don't have to make desperate plans. I can trust. I can breathe. I can remind myself that He works out everything for our good. I just have different ideas sometimes of how that “good” should look like.

For the longest time i had this idea that when you become a believer its like a cinderella story. The poor little lost girl found and loved at last. Saved. But its not just like that. Oh, i am loved for sure, but i am more of a warrior princess than a pink and pretty dressed-up one. With Jesus the Mighty Warrior next to me. Not dear little Jesus, not baby Jesus. The Warrior on the White Horse. Right. Next. To. Me.We are in a battle for our very souls here on earth. But i can know this - the battle might still rage but the War has been won.

Bella, contemplating Life.