motives...the wrong kind

These past few weeks, i was frantically trying to rally more prayers to bombard heaven on behalf of the Y people. We were in the last stretch of the Bible lessons and hoping, praying and expecting the Y to turn to God.

All this seems good and right, doesn't it? But deep down inside i had no peace.

We say so easily "It is the Lord who does the saving, i only need to be obedient" but when sacrifice and hardships are involved there is something in us that wants us to see something in return! We want to see fruit for our labour. We want to know and experience that all was not in vain! All the lonely years of being the outsiders no matter what we did or did not do. All the years of giving things up like friends, family, a career, etc makes us want to know it was all worth it. For that is how the world works - hard work is rewarded and if you are not rewarded sufficiently then you look for a better place.

Not so easy in missions though. Many times we see no fruit for years, if ever! We trudge on staying obedient but somewhere there is that hope that a nice earthly kind of reward was waiting....that was me this morning.

I was begging the Lord to turn the people to Him on this next to last lesson. I was begging that many would come and hear the real reason why Jesus lived and died and rose again! He came to set them free! I wanted them so desperately to accept this truth but sadly when i looked into my heart the real reason was that i needed to see results to make it all better inside of me. Yes, i love the people too and I really want them to join God's family and be saved for salvation's sake and to God's glory for sure! But somewhere there mixed in the midst of it was a very selfish desire to be rewarded, to feel that it was all worth it.

It was one of those prayer times when you are happily on your own track and then suddenly you get this sinking feeling when the Truth kicks in. I knew my motives this morning (and probably over the last few weeks) were so, so wrong! How can something so seemingly all about others become such a self-centred thing? I was shocked! How could i seek reward out of all this? How could i think that God had to make it "worth my while" ? The devil was hijacking the whole thing and i was happily handing over the reigns! Believing the lies that I deserve this!

Ashamed i hung my head and asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness that I was seeking my own reward out of this. Praying for God mercy and grace for me. And receiving it! It was time to get back into the real game, resisting the temptation that used this self pity to make it all about me and giving it all back to God declaring Him Sovereign.

Jesus Is worth it. He does not need to make it worthwhile for me. He is the Only one worthy to receive praise and honour and glory. Because of His ultimate sacrifice that he made for all men He is worthy and my small life lived out here in the sticks is just a small way of how i can say thank You. My Struggles, my hardships fall away before His throne because He has already given me everything i need!

“And they sang a new song, saying: “You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased for God persons from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth.” Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they were saying: “Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!””
‭‭Revelation‬ ‭5:9-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬


Bella, Thankful that i serve a Gracious and Loving God.