Having eyes but being blind......

scary bridges......

Fear is a thick mist - so dense i can hardly see the ground in front of me.  Fear makes me stumble along, rather than walk with my head held high.  Fear makes me sit down somewhere, refusing to move.....fear.

I have lately been thinking about the things that make me fearful and it was quite interesting, if not actually very sad...here are a few examples....

I really like caring for sick people, but the thought of just that scares me terribly!  The gift the Lord gave me, the background i have, the courses i go on - all help me do what i need to do out here, but still it is a source of great fear for me - the thing i love most has become the thing i fear most!

I always wanted to get into a Land Drover (Yeah, i know!) and drive deep into Africa!  Now i live here and i am fearful because i am so deep in Africa!  What would i do if something happens along the way?

I love being a mom and homeschooling my boys - but in the same breath i am fearful that i will actually ruin them in the process!  The gifts i have in homeschooling - thinking on my feet, loving to teach - counts for nothing in the end, because fear rules.....

"Is it safe" has become more important to me than anything else!  I don't want to go places, i don't want to eat strange things, i don't want to........Is it safe?

This weekend we were camping at the Lake and two crazy guys jumped off a cliff into the water from a height of at least 14m!  It was definitely not safe, but i'm sure they didn't ask "Is it safe?"!  haha!!  Never!  But it got me thinking.....why, why do i have all these feelings of fear?

Well, the answer is probably very clear, but having eyes doesn't mean you can see!  But slowly, i think, i am starting to "see"......the enemy has taken all that is dear to me, all that is good of me, all that are gifts from God and turned it into things i do not enjoy, but fear.  He has used me against myself!  And how convenient - who needs enemies??

I want to see the beauty again, i want to experience You using me as i am, as You made me, i want to jump off my own cliffs and trust You completely!  I want to have Your joy in my life, so please help me in this!

bella, hopeful.