Not OK - not for the faint hearted. Unabridged version.

 In many ways i am the living example everyone hopes to escape. My journey alongside my dear and loving husband left me with so much trauma and heartache that i sometimes wonder if i will ever be alright again.

And no, everything is still not too good on our side. Youngest son did not get the job he hoped for. Middle son had to move back home again, no plan yet, or job.....I am still working mainly two days a week (Stupid Covid) i still cry when things get hard. Sorry to say that am no wonderful example of a widow where everything turned out great and everyone is fine. We are not fine. We hurt. We feel lost. We are trying our best, but it is hard. Thanks for asking.

I don’t know what coolant to put in my car. I hate it to do things alone. I wake up at night afraid or so, so lonely. I get mad when i see people together but on their phones. I want to shout it out that we should cherish loved ones, and then my own loved ones are on their phones...and i look around and see my next phase as an empty nester. Not a wife anymore and only half a mom. Fun. 

It sucks to be alone at 52. Who in their right mind would want to start a life with me? And do i really want someone? Undecided. I beat myself up. I pity myself (but only on Wednesday afternoons, or is it mornings?) Anyway, i am not fine, but guess what? 

1) nobody cares and 

2) more than 4/5 of the whole 7 billion puny humans are probably also not fine. 

So, suck it up and get on with it.

But then i think...get on with what? Life? Is this Life? Well it sucks. I moved to a place where i never lived before. I cared for my husband for two and half loooong years watching him suffer from day one - here’s something that nobody wants to admit. He suffered. And so did we. He was literally tortured to death by ALS. And so were we. How can we be fine? Unsure. Back to the  move and the caring...this meant I didn’t get to make friends in the first nearly two years. Or very few, like a can-count-one-one-hand friends. Then I had to start working. That’s right. I had to be the sole provider for me and my three kids. I started working in health care one month after losing him. One of my first patients was also bedridden — and subsequently also died soon afterwards. What a cruel slap right there in my face. How much of this can one person take? Alarming news for those who think they can escape sorrow and pain and suffering - Apparently, more than you think. Much more than i should have wanted or thought that i could handle.

I guess Jesus tried to warn us. “In this world you WIlL have TROUBLE”. Yip. We will have trouble. But then He says....But Take Heart. Trust in Me and Trust in My Father.

This sucks Lord. I am so unhappy. I hurt. My kids hurt. But i trust in You. I trust You. Nothing makes sense and my heart is battered and seriously bruised and actually has no hope to beat ever on its own again, but i will trust. Or die trying. One thing i know, is that i do not want to give You up. I need You. 

So after all this ranting, i want to say, if you are hanging on by a thread, keep hanging on. I really, really understand that life is hard. Do Not Give Up. Life might not get better, but we must keep trusting. Someday things will change. And if not on earth then in the very least, and best, in Eternity. 

Bella

Ps keep in mind that writing is my therapy - much cheaper.