Marking Time...

It started with me crossing off each day as the boys finished an exam. A nice fat yellow line through the day. Math on the 4th got a thick chalk line through it. Physics on day x and another fat line followed. All good. But I didn’t stop there. After the exams the fat messy chalkiness continued. Just before I would switch off the light at the end of the day, I would draw a line through it. Phew, made it through another one. Plodding on. My back door blackboard became a way to mark time. But more than that; it showed my state of mind. Survival. Surprised that I made it through another day. Remarkable really (punny). Like a prisoner in a dungeon showing the days spent in darkness, trying desperately to keep track of time or make sense of life by scratching on a wall. Me.

Quite unconnected to this was the fact that I started a list of blessings - small things really, things that brought a fleeting smile. Little gifts from God. I was aiming for a 1000. And with that doing Ann Voskamps’s Bible study on A Thousand Gifts...and one night I was standing there chalk in hand ready to scratch out the day when I suddenly had this thought to tick the day rather than cross it out. Ticking vs Crossing out.

You know, grief and healing cannot be controlled. You don’t know just when or what can make the sadness roll in. But there are choices to be made. Even not choosing is a choice. And me drawing that line thickly through the day said so much. I was not doing well. I was counting my days on earth for no reason. Just marking my senseless days. Thank goodness another day was done and dusted. A senseless existence marked out on a back door.

God’s prompt that night to give my day a little tick rather than a thick yellow line might seem insignificant but something shifted in my heart. I think it gave me Hope again. Yes, life is tough and empty and confusing at times. Senseless and lonely and worrying, but seeing those tick marks reminds me God has my back. God is with me, always. God is saying (some days) Well done! Most days - Keep going! It reminds me that God helped me through another tough day (just managed to make it through one of the First of the First days - this one being the wedding anniversary. And yes, I even had to hear “Happy” anniversary 😳, but hey, I kept my cool - that deserves a tick mark, doesn’t it?

✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️

Maybe one day the days will be all clear and the wound will only be a scar but until then I tick my days and remember God is Immanuel.

Bella