Ending this decade badly......or not?

So 2019 is nearly done. Good riddance, I want to say. This year has brought a whole lot of pain and loss. And worst of all, there are many unresolved issues still pending and being dragged into the new decade. I so wanted a fresh start. A clean slate of all disasters and catastrophes and so on, but no. I am still waiting for the owner of the house - who, by the way, received all the money for the house more than 2 years ago, to give me the title deed. I still wait for all kinds of papers from the government to finish off other pending legalities, but none so far has crossed my post box.

I feel worn out and tired. My faith is tired. I want to hold on, but I just don’t care anymore. Just like when you travel and become so tired that it really does not matter how the pillow looks or smells, you just want to close your eyes and sleep. This is me. A Naomi who would rather be called a Mara, meaning Bitter. “Because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.” Ruth 1. 

The enemy has made his point quite clearly . “You are not worthy or loved or important to God.  In fact, God doesn’t care about stupid things like title deeds. And who are you to think God will help you, you worthless little human? Who do you think you are? And so on....and me? I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep. I want to give up. My faith is like a dirty torn rag - fraying not only at  the edges.....

But I think again about Naomi and what she said, “I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune on me.” Note this: The Lord has brought this upon her. She acknowledges God’s Sovereign rule. Good and true so far.

The owner might think he is in control by treating me badly, the estate agent has taken advantage of me, yes, all true,  but ultimately I know, God has allowed this, why, I don’t know. What I do know is, He has allowed it. And I also know that I am tired beyond a doubt and totally worn out. Begging, hoping, praying, thanking, presenting my petitions before God.....nothing has brought me a step closer to a resolution. And now I am at that point where I just don’t care anymore. 

She also said she went away full but came back empty. Not quite true, for Ruth was with her. And what daughter God gave her! So, two points. God allowed it all but also blessed in the pain. In Ruth 4 it says this about Ruth 4:15 “Your daughter-in-law, who loves you and who is better than 7 sons, has given birth...” A daughter who loved her and even better than 7 sons! God’s ray of Hope right there.

And that encourages me. I don’t know the Why? But I do not I can trust God. I might not see now how the new decade might look but I can fix my eyes on Him and not my problems. He sends rays of encouragement to keep me going. To keep me trusting Him. I need to look up.

Even if this new decade will be cluttered by old problems, I still hold fast to the One who is in control. I relent my control. My timing. I choose to believe in God’s love and care and I close my ears to the lies of the enemy, for is it not written in 1John 3 “See what great love the Father has Lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” I am His daughter. He is trustworthy. I lift my head and face this new year.