Always in His sight

Doing hard stuff that gets harder still as time marches on, i find my worst enemy is in my mind.
Yes, my back hurts, knees creak, sprained ankle just never heals, neck aches but still i go on lifting, turning, washing, dressing, caring...

But then i wake up after another broken night and physically i feel kind of fine but i just do not want to go on anymore. I want to close my eyes and close my ears and pretend no one needs my arms, legs, back or positive attitude today. I want to pretend that today people might actually notice me and my needs. Nothing much, by the way - just an understanding heart, a smile, an ear that really listens.

And i am not talking about pity here - not asking for pity or sympathy or anything like that - i just need something that i struggle to communicate when asked “What can i DO for you?” I am talking about someone noticing my needs before i have to shout or break down or spell things out - and still run the very real risk of being misunderstood! I do not want to have to tell good meaning people what they can do for me .... i want them to just know. Asking for the Impossible, right?

But i guess no one can help me because what i really want is to have my husband and best friend back. I might look strong and seem that i have it all together but losing the one you love to this extremely cruel illness is terrible. I am lonely, a deep loneliness that no one can do anything about. It is my pain to carry while i pretend i am OK, coping, carrying on. I long for deep conversations, arms around me, not being in charge. Coffee dates or a chat via WhatsApp does not help anymore. I am fighting a losing battle and i know it! Mourning is now a way of life - but with a smile, a joke, a tear here and there all the while trying to hold on and not to bring the whole circus down with me. Pretending i am OK. And boy, am good with that.
But, even as i write this it is not the whole story, because there is God, my Father. And how many times have i sung “You are enough”? It is my test. When humans (seemingly) fail is God enough? Does He know me, see me?
And i turn to Psalm 139 and i find rest. I am loved, seen, known. All that i long  for He already knows.

“GOD, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. I’m an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I’m never out of your sight. You know everything I’m going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too— your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful— I can’t take it all in!”
‭‭(Psalm‬ ‭139:1-6‬ ‭MSG‬‬)

Bella, never out of His sight