The day i started lying....on purpose
I had always been a truthful person. Questions were usually answered honestly. I must admit i did filter my answers according to who was asking - some people could handle the long version and others needed the short. But usually still quite honest. But that was then, and this is now.
If you carry the grief of a great loss or trauma the first thing well meaning people want to do is "help" you. Usually by trying to make you feel better. They want to take the sadness away. We all do it. We feel the need to fix the problem either with cliches or verses or whatever. But, in the thick of things this rarely helps. I have found in my very limited experience of living loss that this does not really help at all. What i want to do is talk about it or not talk about it. Depending on the day. Quite uncomplicated really. Listen or just sit with me. There are no words that make the ache go away. No cliches; no pat answers that make the pain disappear. And not many people can handle listening to me nowadays without wanting to fix it. So, i have now entered into a new phase....i lie. I am done with trying-to-fix-me's.
How are you? Fine. Good. Great even. (My hair always looks like this!)
How did you sleep? Fine. Really good. (Sleep? Are you serious? I have not slept through the night in months!)
Are you coping? Of course! (??what do you expect me to say? No? And then what?)
I don't know how you do it! Neither do i. (At least one truthful one!) God's grace.
If it looks like i am bearing up quite well, they switch to other topics of normal life and i breathe again. I have kind of given up hope of finding relief in people.
But all is not lost. I still have My Father. I cry when no-one except He is watching. I talk my heart out in a silent prayer, i sit and stare at His Word and find Hope again. He does not want to fix me out of this. He helps me bear it. Day by pianful day. Helping me, forming me, teaching me to be more like His Son. I am not there yet but i trust He will finish His work in me.
With God I can be totally honest. Opening up my deepest fears and pain without feeling let down. Yes, He can take the pain away but He does not. He walks beside. Listens. Hears. Helps.
Bella.
If you carry the grief of a great loss or trauma the first thing well meaning people want to do is "help" you. Usually by trying to make you feel better. They want to take the sadness away. We all do it. We feel the need to fix the problem either with cliches or verses or whatever. But, in the thick of things this rarely helps. I have found in my very limited experience of living loss that this does not really help at all. What i want to do is talk about it or not talk about it. Depending on the day. Quite uncomplicated really. Listen or just sit with me. There are no words that make the ache go away. No cliches; no pat answers that make the pain disappear. And not many people can handle listening to me nowadays without wanting to fix it. So, i have now entered into a new phase....i lie. I am done with trying-to-fix-me's.
How are you? Fine. Good. Great even. (My hair always looks like this!)
How did you sleep? Fine. Really good. (Sleep? Are you serious? I have not slept through the night in months!)
Are you coping? Of course! (??what do you expect me to say? No? And then what?)
I don't know how you do it! Neither do i. (At least one truthful one!) God's grace.
If it looks like i am bearing up quite well, they switch to other topics of normal life and i breathe again. I have kind of given up hope of finding relief in people.
But all is not lost. I still have My Father. I cry when no-one except He is watching. I talk my heart out in a silent prayer, i sit and stare at His Word and find Hope again. He does not want to fix me out of this. He helps me bear it. Day by pianful day. Helping me, forming me, teaching me to be more like His Son. I am not there yet but i trust He will finish His work in me.
With God I can be totally honest. Opening up my deepest fears and pain without feeling let down. Yes, He can take the pain away but He does not. He walks beside. Listens. Hears. Helps.
Bella.
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