A spanner in the worx...Used to be's
Sometimes it is good to look at the Used To Be's with the intent of moving on. Many times, however i get stuck on them, mourn for them and dwell on them without making my peace and looking forward. For example....
We Used To Be a well-oiled family team. We could live out in the Bush for many years because of it. We worked well together. We made plans, carried it out and enjoyed our handiwork. Now, it is quite the opposite. There is a spanner in the worx. The wheels and cogs do not turn as they should. Some are so stuck that other parts have stopped working altogether. Being very independent was definitely a Used To Be. Now we need Help with everything. Going from independent to Help Needed is a very tough one.
I also Used To Be enough for my children. Pick them up, wrap them in a blanket, read a book, kiss the scraped knee.....now i struggle for the right words, the right way of handling all the stress and frustrations, the deep pain and fears....This whole thing is too big for us to cope with on our own. Our Used To Be is no more.
Sadly, living in this fallen world of pain and suffering what we need is mostly not what we get. We get a lot of pity. Pity is most commonly confused with empathy. Not the same thing at all. I do not want to be pitied. I do not want to be seen as this pathetic person. (Probably a huge chunk of pride lies in that sentence!) But I have this need for people to see me for who i am and not for what has happened. I think what i am trying to say is that this disease has now defined us as a family and I think that is wrong. We are more than Motor Neuron disease. We are 5 very strong and capable people who are going through a very tough time. 5 individuals who all need help and support in our own ways. But if you don't get to know us apart from The Disease we are just 5 people who you pity. We Used To Be seen as a family with a mission, but that too is no more....
But Used To Be's are not good to dwell on. It hinders you of living in the now. In this moment.
Because really, this is all we have - this moment. Who are we now? How do we define ourselves? In this moment we are:
Still children of God - beloved sons and daugther. Nothing has changed there.
God is still our Rock, our Helper - even more so now in these tough times.
Our faith is being made stronger, God is still a faithful and loving Father.
Still Certain that God hears our cries in the darkest hours.
We Used To Be a family who served and loved God and that is still the same. We still strive to serve Him even if it Used To look very different.
Bella, nothing has changed but everything has.
Bella your words are so true and cutting. Your identity is in who are as always. Love you xxx
ReplyDeleteMoses in the wilderness, Joseph in prison, even Jesus tempted, despised and rejected, but always strong characters called of the Father to do as He wills no matter what the trials or cost... Your family is one of the foremost in my mind that can endure a great testing like this better than most holding fast to to the Lord! I pray His grace abound to each one of you to continue to trust, hoping against hope...
ReplyDeleteWhen my family went through our totally incomprehensible pulling-the-rug-out-from-under-us experience during our fully-dedicated faith journey, I found Romans 14:4 comforting to my soul (and pride): "Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand." I learned to only care what our Father in heaven thinks about me. As long as my conscience is clear before Him, my heart can have peace -- no matter how many negative speculations or false accusations people may cast, or absurd premises or unwittingly misinterpreted religious dogma dictate one thing or another.
I don't even trust myself to hear God enough to obey Him, but I do trust God's ability to get through to me somehow, and I trust Him to grace me to do His will. I know that you are cut of the same cloth, Bella. I love and admire you and your wonderful troop of men. You are bold soldiers of Christ; and even as any one of you is struck and sent to a medic tent, so to speak, nonetheless you remain a courageous believer, a child of the Most High God, each an integral member of a faithful and true missionary family who live to serve Christ wherever you are at. (Yes, I and others have continued to believe all that even before you wrote it. But bless you for your bold declaration which may perhaps set straight some who are twisted religiously.) God continue to bless you with strength in your weakness. May you draw ever nearer to the Lord as you wrestle through not only Alfred's health condition naturally, but the spiritual conundrum, too. Love and prayers (without pity, just major concern) Kev and I are lifting you up like fellow soldiers carrying our beloved wounded to the Great Physician.