Trying to impress

To live a valuable life. To feel of value. To do something worthwhile.

All these sound noble, but to what extent do i pursue them? And why do i feel them necessary?

All these questions have been mulling in my mind and heart the last couple of days. I felt a serious attack on who i was.  Who i am, is not much, was my conclusion. What i have accomplished did not seem to add up to a lot. I felt i had let God down. Disappointed Him by my lack of doing anything worthwhile, like talking fluently Y! Or being able to juggle home, school and being a missionary with excellent precision!

I wanted to see myself as one who was flipping not only smooth juggling sticks expertly, but blazing fire balls without a scratch or burn! Instead i looked at myself and saw flaws and a lot of them. I felt extreme guilt in not going out more, helping more, praying more, ...... well in short being more! I felt others look at me and found me lacking...the weight on my shoulders piled up.

I could not for the life of me see me through God's eyes. Was He happy with me? I didn't think so. Did i think i was wasting His time here on earth? Yes. In short i was not enough and i felt such a disappointment to My Maker.

And because i was feeling that i did not match up, i really couldn't go to God and see me through His eyes. I could not find my worth in Him.

And this was exactly where the enemy wanted me - down and discouraged and feeling a complete failure plus not feeling like going back to my Father for comfort, help or encouragement! In one word - Stuck.

But in all of this God was still with me, never leaving me nor forsaking me. Gently working in my heart....

I was reading in the Message when these verses really struck home: Paul writing to the Galatians:
“What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn’t work. So I quit being a “law man” so that I could be God’s man. Christ’s life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ."
Yes, i thought! This is how i realized i need a Savior way back when i became a follower of Jesus, but wasn't this what i was doing again now?  Trying to work my way to God' acceptance?

I read on:
"My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not “mine,” but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that. Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God’s grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.”
‭‭(Galatians‬ ‭2:19-21‬ ‭MSG‬)

There it was.....I am no longer driven to impress God. This was what i was trying to do! I wanted to speak fluently the local language, I wanted to be all and do all in order to impress God. After all these  years still trying to earn His love. Which by the way, Bella, is free!!

I needed to come to a total standstill, re-evaluate my panic-filled life, that i was never going to measure up, because in fact, i will never measure up. Not in that way! I have to accept daily God's love for me - His amazing love that does not change because i feel i have failed Him, or feel i can never be enough....He makes me enough. He takes me as i am, because i am His, bought with His precious blood, made perfect not by my own stubborn convictions but only through and by Him.

Doing His will daily, living in His acceptance and love, not listening to the vague accusations of the devil. Not comparing myself to others, especially those who looks so good! Not trying to impress God but to bask in His love. To be ok with who i am and what i do and feel enough, because He is enough.

Bella, accepted!