Holding on…

I am not a very touchy-feely person and especially Not when I am upset or angry or some kind of bad emotion.  Do not hold me then!  :) To give a real life example...we once had some pointers as to how to resolve conflict in our marriage.  We had to sit with knees touching and holding hands…..it did not work for me, oh no!!  We had more conflict in this supposedly conflict resolving position than any other time! Haha!

I any case, sometimes when I am upset and my dear husband tries to hold me in a hug, I squirm and get out of it.  I guess being upset to me means being alone and trying to make sense of life on my own (my default way) In the beginning years of our marriage and nowadays at the worst times I had and have a hard struggle to even hug back or open my hands….Over the years it has faded a bit as i have learnt to open up mynheart and receive love and care and comfort.....and I really do do better, but just this morning I realized something very important.

I was listening to a song on the new Apple radio app – random Christian music (not my favourite way of listening but that is another story) – when I heard this lady sing about holding on to God as He was holding on to her…or something of that sort.  And it got me thinking…..do I hold on to God in times of trouble?  Well, of course in the Big Times!  I know I have nowhere else to go but to Him!  But in the little things?  When things are not going all according to me?  When I am upset or hurt (small things in the big universe) how do I hold on?

Mostly with clenched fists and trying to squirm out of it?  Oh, yes.  If bad things happen when I believe I am doing God’s will or when hard times hit in terms of support, do I still hold on?  If the cupboard is empty and I need to make something out of nothing?  When God is holding on to me but I stand there with my arms at my sides stubborn and sullen?  Do I try and figure out a way by myself because I might think God has not my best interest in mind? Or do not know me and my needs (how petty those needs seem now!) Do I let Him hold me but hug back with closed hands?  Fists clenched?

Of course I would like to answer my own questions with “no, never!” but that would be so false!  This is exactly what I do!  With open hands you receive - receive love, care and comfort.  With clenched hands you receive nothing you keep it all to yourself!  And so, my prayer today is that I will open my hands and embrace the One loving me with all He is!  That I will trust Him in big and small matters and keep on believing in His goodness and love even in times when nothing makes sense and I see nothing to point me in that way!  He is Love. 

Bella, embracing Truth with open hands