Waking up

 My world had been spinning out of control for such a long time that i had come to see it as normal. And then one day i just could not take it anymore - i needed to get off this crazy ride i called My Life. I had had enough. It definitely wasn’t my brightest moment, but it made me realize that what i took as normal was actually me spinning through space with my oxygen levels close to zero. And i wasn’t ok. And The end wasn’t going to be pretty. I needed a gravitational force to get me into orbit again, and in doing so make it possible for me to be able to land again. (God, of course, works in mysterious ways😊)

In the beginning of 2021 a friend send me this quote

A beautiful quote for sure. At first i just read it in a superficial way, but the more i thought about it the more i realized that apart from the magic coffee, this would not be easy for me. I was dreading life. I was barely living. My soul was barren, dry and empty. I did what i had to do and kept on doing it just because i am a very practical kind of person. There were people dependent on me. I had to step up and produce. But really, Life was a drag. It was as if I was sleep walking. In my own nightmare of loneliness and worry, etc, etc....

The second thing that happened was that I got a light blue bullet journal as a Christmas present from a dear girl. And it might have saved my life. Very dramatic, i know, but true. Somehow God is using these dotted pages to ground me again. Quotes, sayings, pictures, Scripture, dreams, wishes, highlights, reminders - i am slowly inking my way back to Life. Or i should say I am slowly inking my way back to Loving Life again. To remember that to love myself is actually very important. To like me for who i am. To be ok in my skin. To be the fully weird and wonderful woman of God that i am and to be a happy me!

As i think about who i am, I remember my own dreams again, things that make me tick. I am surprised by old but new, sweet friendships. I am humbled by being liked as i am. I am slowly falling in love with myself and life again. It does sound weird to say, but let’s face it, how can i love again, if i cannot love me for who i am? I want to be mindful and present and grounded in God’s love - He is my gravity. I am waking up and starting to Love my Life again, one page at a time. 

Bella