goodbye sticky note life

 

I had small yellow squares with tiny notes scribbled on them all over my room, in my basket, in my pockets. I even had some tucked away in books, little crumpled bits in my car. And I kept losing them, totally flustered. (When i get nervous i fold my notes into even smaller bits and I was stepping into my new job with shaking legs and small crumpled notes...)

This in itself would not have been so bad if I didn’t have to teach the same lesson again - yes, covid of course had her finger in this pie too. School was only going half-half. And i was flustered and lost the stickies, or had difficulty reading the crumpled squares in the next lesson..... So, last night after going on like this for two weeks, i decided Something needed to be Done and i took a deep breath, walked over to my bookcase and took out two small notebooks. It was time to settle down. Pen in hand i wrote down my lesson plan. 

As i took out those notebooks the next day, i realized how lightly i had been holding unto Life. It was as if i was scribbling my life on sticky notes, only to lose them or have the wind blow them away or even wash the pencil right out ~ forgotten in my jean pocket...it was time to take out a bound notebook and a permanent marker. No more free falling through life. Living intentionally - it takes effort and presence of mind. 

My question really was - do i want to live intentionally? Isn't it easier to live haphazardly, to not face things? Just some random pencil markings on a few yellow sticky notes? If i lived intentionally then i had to decide to be in the present - not living in the good old days, nor in a fairy tale future, but right here in the messy bits. In the real world. And, yes, that was what i wanted to choose. The present. The now is all i have in any case. And only in This moment can i find real joy.

Bella, pen and notebook in hand