Thoughts on thoughts...

I don’t think you can ever exhaust the topic of grief and suffering, but quite frankly, i am exhausted by it. Yesterday marked 3 years since we moved out of the village and lost everything, also 11 months since we said our last goodbyes...so, yes, there is that, But, oh, there are also new beginnings. There is Joy. There is Happiness. Flowers still bloom. The sun comes up every morning.
And i am blessed. Yes, blessed.

I have a God who loves me unconditionally, i even have people who love me with all my complications and imperfections.. blessed, and yet....

The past two months have been quite wonderful. Kind of like standing on the brink of something new and bright. Great Expectations. And in this time i started to see me through the eyes of others. God used a few people to help me face myself. And you might think that with all this love and acceptance that i would absolutely bask in it, but i was not. Nope. Not enough for me to be loved by the Creator of the Whole Universe. Nope. Not enough to be loved by my people. Nope. Having literally a hell of a time believing any of this love. I had to come face to face with myself and well, face some hard truths. And it was really hard.....and it came down to this: I just cannot love myself.

And this short little sentence slashed through the life of every level of my being. I want to see and hear and feel God’s love for me, because I don’t believe it, because i truly believe i am unlovable. So, if the house saga drags on over three years, it just confirms things in my mind. Not loved. Not cared about. Or if i do most things alone now after having someone by my side for 32 years the data just piles up. A widow at 52. Yip. Loved? Surely not. And never will be.
Or if i have to explain myself in words and deeds and still feel misheard it hammers in my head - not possible to be loved. Broken. Damaged. Flawed. Complicated. Not this, not that. Never enough. Etc. And on it goes.

But hold on, this is a good post...just taking a while to get there  ...

The past two months, as i have said, have been wonderful but at the same time really hard. God used the wonderful and started cracking me open bit by bit. Unlocking things that has been heavily guarded. A song, a friend, a sermon, a verse, a talk, a word from someone close.....it all started to open up what i really struggled with all these years. I struggle to love myself. And i mean really struggle. I hide it by loving others. Helping others. Being there for others. But never there for me. And this morning, i realized that i had to come to terms with all of this. I handled this over the years by demanding that God proves His love to me, by hoping the people in my life would show me that they love me by words and deeds. Not a good way. It left me empty and disappointed mostly. And it wrecked my relationship with a loving and caring Father many, many times. Not to mention the people in my life. I had to start loving me. One of my toughest assignments yet. And at 52😳 no small task.

Ever practical, How? was my next question. And quite surprising God showed me the next step...old news i know, but groundbreaking when applied! Simply by taking each thought captive and making it obedient to Christ. Every single negative thought i have about myself i take in my hand. Hold it tight. Measure it to the Truth. Discard if not the truth. Replace with Truth. Believe the truth. Not easy I will tell you now. But I had to come to this point where i have to commit to myself. To love and to not break down. Kind of like to enter into a covenant with myself to stick it out. To love no matter what. To work on this weird relationship and not have divorce as an option but to Choose to not live in misery. To make it work. To be OK with who i am.To Love passionately! (My goal, not close yet!) And as i take baby steps i feel God smile and sigh and hold me dearly. And i thank Him and others for their stubborn loving of me and not giving up.

Bella