Unbroken

Yesterday was my birthday. And i must say, my boys made it extra special. I had been dreading it, though. Not the birthday, per se, but the fact that is was once again a first. I love birthdays and as the saying goes, “The more you have, the longer you live” but i was just not really wanting to face it.
Facing that feeling when that which you depended upon, loved and treasured fell away ... again, and again.... like standing in sinking sand and not able to get out...

And now Corona-time. A time of stripping and stripping away all that i had started depending on. Or actually, depend on is not quite the right word i am looking for. More like Props - filling, or trying to fill the gaping holes in my life with Stuff; interaction with other people, people hurting who need my help, a couple of friends, the sea, driving around in my car...just a few things that i enlisted to help me ease the pain. Wait, haven’t i been here before? Yip. And that time roughly to exact date and time 3 years ago i just threw myself into the next thing, not thinking, only responding to the next challenge. And the next. Not stopping to process, relying on instinct and my ability to wing it....

And now, here i am tired and worn and with not much going on and having to face the inevitable. I lost my purpose in life. True, i am still a mother, but even that has changed so much. I am a single mom now. And a working single mom to make it worse. Plus, having young men and not children now in my household means they don't depend on me in the same way as a few years back. Now i am more in a mentor role than mother-as-parent. If i go away for a few weeks they will actually be totally fine in looking after themselves. Soon my nest will become a holiday home and hopefully a place of peace where the boys can come and regroup. Even in something as solid as being a mother, change is in the wind.

Coming to a standstill has made me realize that i can actually get off this crazy merry-go-round I call my Life. But then what? Would i be able to i stand on my own? Am i Broken beyond repair by this path i had to walk on? Do I even have legs?
But then i think of Joseph. I like to call him the Unbroken. He went through so much. From bad to worse. Even ended up forgotten in jail. I never once read something about his shouting at God. Never heard him shove his fist in the air in a scream of frustration. Never giving up. Just quietly doing his best. Being and living not as Broken but as Unbroken. And how? Simply put, by Trusting in a God who knows everything and knows how everything will turn out. Not by sulking or screaming or even avoiding or ignoring, but by trusting that God has this.

My Not-so-merry-go-round comes slowly to a grinding halt in this downtime and i step off with two feet on firm ground. “I am also an unbroken” i say softly as i trust God and start walking - and it might be that at first my legs will wobble, but with my hand firmly in His, I feel safe and secure with Hope rising again.

Bella, Unbroken through God’s grace