Milestones...

I should be studying. I should be cooking a meal. I should be cleaning the kitchen. I could even watch a movie or read a book. I should and i could but i don’t. Instead i do nothing or the little that i do .. i do badly.

The Grief Problem, i call it in my head, because who do you talk to about coulds and shoulds and can’ts? And what is the point? No one can make it better by saying something or by keeping silent. No one can be blamed by not remembering like i do. (I sometimes wish i could blame someone. Or just have the right to get mad if silence reigns.) I live with The Grief Problem. It is mine to bear. 

And Grief milestones are more like boulders falling on top of you as you try and navigate this treacherous mountain pass called Life. 

Grief - love that has nowhere to go, i once read. Sums it up quite well. Today i just felt this love-going-nowhere a bit too intense. Yes, today marks 6 months. A huge boulder right there. Why does it matter on this exact day? Who knows, but that is part and parcel of The Grief Problem. Why’s do not get explained. To embrace this sad day and try and make my peace, yet once again, is all there is to it. I take a deep breath - well, actually its more of a sigh really - and my eyes fall on my Bible and i open this ancient book....

And once again i am encouraged because as i embrace this dark feeling of loss and loneliness i feel God take my chin and lift it up so that i look into His eyes. And i am reminded of Ruth and how she took refuge under God’s wings. And also of Ps 63 that says “ Because You are my Help, i sing in the shadows of Your wings.” Under God’s wings. What a comfort. And the heaviness lifts a little. 

And i feel safe and sheltered and a little less alone in this big and empty world. 

Bella