Grief like waves...

Grief is a funny thing. Funny as in weird, unexpected. When you least expect it, it pounces on you out of the blue. Or rather, out of the dark. Swallowing you up a into darkness in a second. This darkness can take your breath away. Lets your stomach drop, makes your heart skip a beat or two. Sometimes its the sound of the wind, or a memory that pops up. A taste. A smell. Or just triggered by nothing. And without warning it takes you down into a deep and bottomless pit....

In a way it is like being shipwrecked in a stormy sea. No land in sight. Trying desperately to stay afloat. There are huge waves that come crashing out of nowhere. It takes all your energy not to give in and sink below the turmoil into the seemingly calm of the deep.

But you take another breath as your head clears the water and you catch a glimpse of light and you struggle up and over to the next wave. Doing the thing that is in front of you. Boil the kettle, plant the flowers. Eat. Drop the boys at school. Do something fun with them. All the while wondering when am i going to go under and not be able to break the surface and breathe again. But surprisingly i do, and i breathe and i hope. If not for me, then at least for them.

And i hold on to the Hope i profess. Maybe not unswervingly yet, but holding on nonetheless. And i remember that my God is the Source of all Hope. And i break through the wave and i look again for a sign of land and i swim towards it. Because, He who has promised, is Faithful.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10:23‬ ‭