No breakthroughs...

(Our back yard)

And so i decided to not talk anymore. The reason being, that my burden has become too much to share and to be honest, it is mine to carry. I know, i know “A burden shared is a burden halved...”, and so on, but what happens to this burden when talking does not add to the division of it? When i cannot take it to hear one more sigh or cliched answer because everyone have now also arrived at a loss of words as my burden grows....

A few days ago I wrote this to myself ...i thought, foolishly, that is was because i could not stand another pat answer or cliche but it turns out i was wrong...

I was ashamed. Ashamed because God has not brought any breakthroughs. The house owner still avoids all responsibility in transferring the already-paid property, the roof is still leaking, the septic tank is still quite septic, the disease is still ravaging, i still don't sleep much, my back still hurts, on and on.

I honestly do not know what to answer when someone asks how is it going. In a way, i feel the need to  protect God’s honour.  Or stand up for His Name. This is looking bad for Him ... maybe i have become a stumbling block to someone who looks at me and might think that God does not care/help/rescue...

But David comes to mind - again - he who was anointed as king, chosen nonetheless by God, but hunted and in hiding for 14 years before he ascended the throne. 14 years. God building David into the man He created.
Joseph’s life needs no elaboration. A Forging of Joseph into a man of character and a man of God.

God has a tailor made package for me too. My package looks very different but i can know without a doubt i am not forsaken, forgotten or  abandoned. I need not defend God’s honour or His Name in explaining away my dismal seemingly non-breakthrough life. He is forging and refining and chipping away... for my good even if it looks relentless....

My job is to cling to Him and use my stubbornness for good by stubbornly keep believing God Loves, God Cares and  God Knows. I can Trust in that.
So let my life package not bring despair or hopelessness but may it inspire a faith that stands no matter what comes along.

Bella