Being at Peace with God

I am many thngs....i am the mother of S/B/C, the wife of A, the driver picking up the school kids, the carer, the cook and chief bottle washer....but i am also confused, worried, overwhelmed and at times frantic. I am Panic, i am Harried, i am Fret.

I would, of course, just like to be plain old me. I would like to be Uncomplicated, Drinker of coffee, Reader of book, Hoper of hope, but i am not.

So many things and roles define my being at the moment - and not all of them good or positive. I would like to be named Quietness and Strength but it is more like Shouting and Melting Down.

I was sitting in church thinking of who i have become after quite a week of losing it a couple of times....we started singing Where Your Love ran red by Chris Tomlin. A song i know quite well. As the next slide came up the words "peace with God" stood out. To me it stood out in neon flashing colours. Peace with God.

And that is when i realised i am still fighting with God. Outwardly i look calm (well mostly), but i was in a deep turmoil inside and every now and again it spilled over and out....causing me to go back numerous times saying I am sorry. I need that peace. I need to be at peace with God. I am falling apart.

How do you get to a point of being at peace with Him as you see more muscles stop working? How do i not want to scream at God to stop this insane disease, because i know He can? What does it mean to be at peace with God?

Many thick books have been written about this, but i will keep it short. I think of Joseph. David. Moses. None had an easy life. They had one thing in commom. Trust. They trusted God no matter what. Peace is unbreakably linked to Trust. That is the only way. I need to Trust God no matter what. That is where peace begins.

So my goal for this week, no wait, make it this day, is to be known as the one who trusts God. No more, no less. I cannot go on without this peace. Peace with God is my glue - actually my Super Glue.

Bella