Sovereign only?

How many times have i come to this place where i realise that God's way of thinking and acting and the world's (mine included) are 180 degrees apart? And yet, here i am again.

Yesterday i wrote a long letter to God. I tried telling Him that yes, after all that has happened and still will happen i do believe in Him as a Sovereign God but not really as a good loving Father. Sovereign He definitely is - we are His creations, He is the Potter, we are the clay. And a Sovereign God makes so much more sense in times of suffering and tragedy than a Loving God. And i have such a hard time seeing His Good side lately as things progress and slowly but surely we are all falling apart...so Sovereign it is.

So here i am once again. I am trying to remember that God's perspective is not my perspective. Listen to this....He calls the poor in spirit ......Blessed. I would not call them blessed. I would call the miraculously healed person blessed!  I would pity the poor in spirit.
Blessed are those who mourn. Not blessed are those who are spared losses. How many times would we rather say "God spared his life, we are so blessed!" than "God took him, we the mourners are blessed because we will be comforted"??
Blessed are the meek. Not blessed are those strong independent ones.

We sing so easily that God is Indescribable, Uncontainable, Untameable and Awesome, but when we face trials and suffering and just want to be rescued and live an easy life, we forget that our ways are not God's ways.

CS Lewis wrote in The Problem of pain “The problem of reconciling human suffering with the existence of God who loves, is only insoluble so long as we attach a trivial meaning to the word 'love' and look on things as if man were the centre of them.”
 and
"We want, in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven—a senile benevolence who, as they say, ‘liked to see young people enjoying themselves’, and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, ‘a good time was had by all’. Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds. I do not claim to be an exception: I should very much like to live in a universe which was governed on such lines. But since it is abundantly clear that I don’t, and since I have reason to believe, nevertheless, that God is Love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction.

It is not easy to write these words as i am still wrestling with this whole thing, but i can say this, my conception of love needs correction - my viewpoint needs to align to God's in order for me to come to a place of peace and rest in the midst of chaos and pain and suffering. He is not only a Sovereign God but a Loving Father and He does care. I need to keep trusting in Him as a Loving Father, no matter what. One day we will see clearly!

Bella
Ps Philip Yancy wrote "Where is God when it hurts" and i would really recommend reading it.