Ironically .....

I am hiding behind the curtains again.  I just made myself a nice cinnamon cappuccino and was going to sit at my desk to read further in my new book ‘Expectations and burnout”.

And here I was skulking behind the curtain because one of our workers was watering the flowers right in front of my window where my desk is.  I felt so annoyed!  Man, I love my flowers but I was NOT ready to have someone stare at me while drinking coffee and reading a book!

Well, I rest my case.  I obviously seriously needed to read this book!  Talk about culture stress.  I was in it and in it up to my neck!  I was tired, sick of living in another culture, desperately in need of a break and the timing was all wrong…

This is one of life’s really weird ironies – one which no-one could prepare us for at all.  We have worked years to come to this point in presenting the Gospel in the mother tongue!  Whoohoo, we made it!!  Well, truth to tell I am not There - I am cheering my husband on from behind the curtains (again standing there??).  In any case, we are one so I guess I can say in all honesty that we are There!  But the irony is that being There was turning out to be extremely exhausting!!  The lessons occur twice weekly and that means that there need to be lessons ready and translated to be then committed to memory as much as possible, then these need to be practised over and over and then presented, all to start anew the next day!  In between the translation keeps going on as well, so as not to run out of material.  In a word – exhausting! 

Talk (or rather read) about expectations … We have looked forward to this day for so long.  I saw in my mind’s eye the whole village sitting very calm and peaceful and clean (?where did I get that idea?) listening to every word.  No-one looking at a bicycle go past or no-one running off when the election campaign guys strode into the village and most certainly my dear husband would not be working himself nearly into a coma!  People seem to think we lead an idyllic life out here – we see each other all the time and get to spend all our time together.  Well, yeah, I guess if we both pull up chairs in front of the computer we would see each other all the time!  The reality is, is that we don’t keep regular hours.  We try though, but it is tough being out here with so much to do and only us to do it, so we do it all.  Or think we can at least give it our best shot.

And so I am reading "Expectations and Burnout: Women Surviving the Great Commission” and hope I will survive this!  The timing is extremely ironic!

A few difficult points….

At the Bible lessons half of the kids enjoy the luxury of the straw mats and roll around, the other half turn away from the teacher and stare open mouthed at me and the boys.  We will make great celebrities – we can ignore stares just fine.  (I am lying through my teeth here!  My youngest crosses his eyes at them, scowls at them or pulls funny faces in reaction to their staring – in which they don’t even blink!) 

Out here in the bush we have gotten used to the idea that we don’t have much of a schedule expect for school hours of course.  So, afternoons we are free to do other stuff.  Language learning, visiting, riding bikes, playing, etc.  Now we are faced with a twice a week lesson that takes 2 hours all in all.  We need to sit on straw mats and hope all kinds of bugs do not climb up, crawl into or bite us (well, actually it is probably only me that has these worries!), we need to adjust our time to fast cooking (no take outs here!  Tuna is my fast food!) and generally go through a lot of culture stress.  But we looked forward to this day and now I am not so sure how I feel.  I mean, I can relate to old Jonah very well!  It is probably a good thing that I am not the one teaching as I might also like Jonah, just throw it at them!  For example – the one day they sit and listen to God’s Word and nod their heads in agreement and the very next day they are in these extremely suggestive dances and up to who-knows-what in the nights with the initiation ceremonies!!  Running the dico with the petrol we sponsored because we need their sound system!  (Irony is just adding up here!) It breaks my heart!!  I know it is still early days, but it is very upsetting if you realize just how bad things are here….

But in all this, what does God want to teach me?  Obviously He has something in mind, otherwise I would also sit serenely on my mat with my pencil stub ticking off new words and smiling at all the stares, which I am not!!

How far am I willing to go for my fellow man?  Do I like my little luxuries more than seeing them grasp Salvation?  No way!!  What are my expectations and are they realistic?  What are God’s expectations of me in this time?   How can I grow and not shrink in this extremely busy time?  Do I really Believe Him?  He called us here, He chose us and He has a plan for us here.  At times it seems so impossible that these people (for whom I gave up everything, well technically I gave it up for God!) will actually accept God’s love – but if God can, by just speaking, create Light, stars, the sun and moon, every kind of animal, fish and bird then what is impossible to Him?  Am I willing to let go and really, truly, trust Him for all I need?  That all this will not be in vain?  Am I willing to trust Him for all they need?  Most of my culture stress at times are, that I am scared that I will not make it and ruin God’s plan and of course, my husband’s work!  Or that they will reject it all.  I lose sight of whom God is and that He knows my needs, yes, even the silly ones!  I am in His Hands.  I pray that I will rest in that!  That I will rest in God’s wisdom to know when to take a break, when to work our hands to the bone, when to sit back, when to smile and when to cry.  Trust. 

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

(2Co 4:6-18)

 

I am not sure if this blog makes much sense to you, I guess I had to get some stuff out.  I would rather be real than put up a front. 

Bella, holding onto I Am.