Going through the motions.

Have you ever gone through a time where you just go through the motions of loving?  You are caring and kind, you are there (but not totally), you do stuff but without any passion.  Or maybe not.  Maybe you have never gone through a time like this.  Well, I have and I am actually. 

This morning, I realized with a shock that I am here but not with all of myself.  Let me explain a bit…..

I obey God, yes.  Just look at where I live – who in her right mind would choose to live here??  So, I have obeyed.  I am loyal.  I never discourage anyone from following God to the ends of the earth – although sometimes I am tempted to ask if they really know what they are getting into??  But loyalty wins, because God is ever faithful even though at times it might be hard for us we know He is there and will never leave us.  So, obedient and loyal.  I am also faithful.  I try and do God’s will as best as I can.  Ok, now we have obedient, loyal and faithful.  Pretty good, not so?  But something is lacking, I just know it. Where is LOVE?

I am going through the motions, but I have no passion.  I guess this might be shocking to some who are always so stable and never deviate from the middle ground, sorry, I am not like that – either up or down.  Passionate or totally dead.  And I hate it when I just go through the motions.  Make the coffee, put supper on the table, read the Bible, pray, clean up, say good morning or goodnight, help a few sick people; there but not there – all without that passion.

I was reading the blessings and curses that God set before the Israelites when they were about to enter the Promised Land.  (After God made a Covenant with them – serious stuff to say the least!)  Well, as I read you have to do this and do that one thing stood out – I have to LOVE God.  Not just obey, not just be loyal or faithful, I must LOVE Him with my Whole heart.  My whole heart.  With Passion.  Which was lacking Big time in my life @this moment.

Recently a friend asked me to pray with her (over Skype mind you!) and she asked me a weird thing.  She said “As you close your eyes and get ready to speak to Jesus, where do you see Him?  Are you standing close to Him?  Sitting on His lap?  Where is He?”  Well, that brought me up short.  Where was He?  He was far off.  This morning I saw Him like one sees the speaker on a platform in the rows where you don’t pay much for your ticket – way back and I mean way, way back.  I could just barely see Him.  If it wasn’t for the big TV screens (I have a very vivid imagination!) I would miss His facial expressions …..

I was far from Him.  Where did my Love go?  I was a clanging cymbal, an empty old tin trying to make beautiful music and failing miserably. 

Why did I stop loving God.  Loving being in His presence?  Loving Him for who He is?  I think one reason was that I was looking at all the stuff around me.  Believing the lies of the enemy that God doesn’t really care about me, as a woman out here in the sticks.  The fact that I rarely have any conversation about God or what He is doing in my life with anyone else except the 4 people in my house has been quite hard on me.  Usually it's just me and my husband and our 3 boys or me talking to The Blog.  Sometimes weeks or rather months would go by without one conversation with other believers.  Dry wilderness times.  But these are all just circumstances.  And I was looking at that.  It made me look away from God and just loving Him.  I let Stuff get in the way.  Just like in a marriage relationship we at times let Stuff get in the way of really loving.  We look at all the things that are not right or that we don’t like and instead of loving we just go through the motions.  No passion.

Rev 2:2  says, "I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. (yip that's me!) I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men (most certainly not!), that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. (Ok maybe a bit weary here!) Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love."  Ouch. I am so sorry Lord, may i truly Love you again.

  

Love is a choice.  This morning as I sat there in my economy row looking down on Jesus, far, far away, I realized that this is what I choose.  This is not what He chose for me.  He loves me Passionately.  He wants me close!  I can get out of my seat and go right up on the stage, hold His hand, look Him right in the eye.  He has That kind of love for me.  God doesn’t love halfway.  It is all the way all the time.  But I have to choose to look above all other Stuff and keep loving Him.  I need to bring my hard heart to Jesus again, to be made soft, to allow His love to find me again.

To obey is good, to be loyal is good, to be faithful is fine, but to Love is by far the best.  I need to Love again.  To feel that passion, to live in that Love. 

Bella, beloved.