Free and Laden....

Sitting high over the sea at a lookout point, i was watching the people walk along the beach. Some people were in swim suits, others were hatted and shoed. Some had dogs and were picking up shells. It was quite interesting seeing them from my high vantage point. The ones with the bathing suits carried nothing, the hatted and shoed ones had sling bags with water bottles and balls for the dogs plus leashes and tight fists with precious shells. Free and laden...all on the same strip of sand.

It made me think of all the things that we think we absolutely have to carry with us. We may think we would not survive without it or them. Or that they will not survive without us carrying them...Basically all the Nouns we cannot live without; all our dear People, Places and Things. We want to hold them tightly in our fists. Sling them over our shoulders and drag them all with us through Life. Stuff our backpacks to bursting point. And when they fall away, dissolve in the sea or blow away in the storm, we are lost. We do not know who we are without these People, Places and Things. And when they are not tangible anymore, when there is only empty air where there once were hands and hugs, we cling to the memory refusing to let it go. 

People would say that losing your spouse does not make you half a person, but it certainly feels that way. And I am definitely only half a team now. A very real reminder of this is me Trying to cope on my own with the renovations i am doing (which i brought upon myself!) It has made that point very obvious and shown me just how impractical i am. I miss his amazing practicality and know-it-all. So i bumble and stumble along and might have to call my guest room “There once was a crooked house, where there lived a crooked (wo)man, who sat at a crooked table with her crooked cat”....sigh. Who am i without him in the practical sense? Not much. And this practical side is just one of the many gaps that was once my whole. But still i carry on. I walk my beach path alone with a person that i never dreamt of not having with me. And surprisingly i am still walking. Lonelier, yes, Feeling like half a person, yes, but still walking. The thing is that loss makes your burden even heavier. You refuse to let go, you are afraid to really move on for fear of loosing even more, fear of forgetting. Laden. And with that heavy word, this verse came to mind....

“Come to Me, all of you who are struggling and burdened, and I will give you rest.” 

I am a weary traveler and i need rest. I want to lay down all that i am carrying and know that me and my heavy pack will be alright. I don’t want to depend on that which i think i need in order to keep walking, or even carry unnecessary things. I want to trust God for all i may need along the way. Traveling light because i can know without a doubt He has got this. I want to be like a trusting, happy child skipping along the beach.....Free.

And right there is my answer....me the very independent needs to learn how to depend on God on a next level. Have i not had many lessons already i asked myself? Yes, but I always had my dearest alongside. Then it was God and the two of us, now it is God and me. The same trustworthy Father. And i take His yoke upon my shoulders, and it is light and easy. And we walk on side by Side. 

Bella