(Dis)Content

Last night at 3am i sat crying silently. Just so tired and battle weary, asking God what am i missing here? Apart from being emotionally and physically drained after 2 1/2 years of living next to this vile and cruel disease there have been too many other disasters and catastrophes and months of living on top of a stinking sewage tank and recently added a waterfall for a veranda. I just could not make any sense out of life anymore.

As i sat awake during my “night shifts” God started shifting my thinking. I was listing my life dramas one by one - which took quite some time, while God was repeating one word. Contentment. Sigh. If i had the courage to ask my boys to describe me in one word it would not be Content. Sadly, not. 

This morning i read this little excerpt and it struck me right on the head.... 

“Those who are most satisfied with life are those who appreciate the current season of life they are in and learn to make the most of it. They do not long for the next one or attempt to continue living in the previous one. They accept the reality of changing seasons and embrace each one with grace and resolve.” From Becoming minimalist

And of course the well-known but often disregarded verse in Philippians...

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” 

I can without a doubt say i know what it is to be in need - i have not slept peacefully through a night in 2 years... i need sleep. I also lack peace as i try to stay calm about all my disastrous building projects... i also have seriously plenty of worries and just no vision for the future. In a word Discontent.

I have learnt that the more sleep deprived and visionless i become, the more i fall back on old negative patterns and harmful descriptive words i have kept since little. What i really think about God also bubbles out in my discontent. Oh, how i long for a break in my mind and soul. 

And right there lies the answer. And i re-read..

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:2, 12-13‬ ‭

I am in desperate need of this secret! Life is not fair or easy or smooth. Being content is difficult...but The Secret is that Jesus enables. He helps me find contentment in any and every situation. I need not long for the past or future. I am in this moment - right here and now. And so i trust on another level the One who saved me and made me His own.  

Bella, not there yet but on my way