The need to be needed….or not.

 There is definitely some truth in the statement that medical people have a need to be needed.  It kind of drives you, this need.  You need to feel needed.  I used to be like this!  I liked the fact that people needed me....BUT…….i could go home, unplug the phone, order pizza, take time out EASILY!  I controlled this need to be needed, I chose when and how it suited me…..you can guess where this is going, right?

Out here you sometimes wish that all the needs would not jump on you and stick like they do!  There are TOO many on the best of days!  The boys need a haircut (usually all 3 plus my husband), every third person in the village needs some kind of medical help (all on one day it seems!), the laundry basket is extremely in need of help, the food needs to be cooked, the floors need to be washed.  There is a splinter that needs to be removed in my youngest boy’s hand, a sand flea needs to go from my husband’s toe, and we need to finish the school year!  Needs galore!  And I have No Control!  I feel swamped by needs!   And  yep, feel like running away!  (But I know that won’t help as I NEED running shoes and I don’t have any – haha)

I know this is kind of pathetic/shocking, but I have come to a point where I don’t want to be needed, I just want to be left alone, in peace.  I want everyone to go and sort out their own problems – live quite selfishly for a bit.  Or, if I do choose to help, I want to do it on my terms, when it suits me!  I want to have control over this needing business. ……. And then I wake up and realize the coffee is cold!  :)

Yes, God has brought me once again to a place in my life where I have not surrendered.  Oh, yes, I have committed my life to help others – but as I wrote before, committing means I still have CONTROL.  Surrender means I lose it (ie CONTROL) and very quickly too!  And to give up that control is to give over to God, to give up on working in my own strength…..

Jesus had moments like these too – not desperate like me of course - but in need of rest from the crowds.  Sometimes they even found Him where He was trying to rest (been there!) and sometimes He went off to pray all night long to recharge, hear and talk to His Father.  I can identify with the getting away bit, but man, it is hard if you are followed and still need to GIVE!  What a Man to follow!  Jesus, my Hero!  He didn’t have a diary or set up appointments!  He was WITH the people.  He gave up His right to control His life.  And who am I not to follow His example?  And as His child I have the great advantage that He said if I trust in Him, I will soar like an eagle, I will run and not tire I will walk and not faint.  I can run to Him and ask Him to fill me up, to help me be able to give again and again.  “Come to Me…”

Bella, actually knowing where to run too (and I don’t even need shoes!)